The Hidden Cost Of Perfectionism

Perfectionism is often praised in our culture. It can look like high standards, strong work ethic, and a deep sense of responsibility. Many people who struggle with perfectionism are seen as successful, reliable, and driven. And yet, beneath the surface, perfectionism often comes with a significant emotional cost.

The Cost of Perfectionism

At its core, perfectionism is often about fear. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being discovered as a fraud or imposter. Over time, this fear-based striving can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, burnout, and a sense of never being satisfied, no matter how much is accomplished.

People who struggle with perfectionism often report:

• Persistent self-criticism and harsh inner dialogue

• Difficulty resting or feeling present, even during downtime

• Avoidance or procrastination due to fear of mistakes

• Ruminating over tasks and trouble putting things aside, even when completed

• Feeling overwhelmed and never fully caught up due to excessive time spent on tasks

• A sense that self-worth is conditional on performance

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Ironically, perfectionism often pulls people away from the things they care most about — meaningful connection, creativity, flexibility, and joy. Life can start to feel rigid, narrow, and exhausting, rather than rich and fulfilling.

Why Letting Go Can Feel So Hard

For many people, perfectionism developed for understandable reasons. It may have once been a way to feel safe, gain approval, or cope with uncertainty. Perhaps throughout your life you’ve received messages that mistakes are intolerable and you should always focus on being the best. Because of this, simply telling yourself to “lower your standards” or “stop being so hard on yourself” rarely works. Perfectionism isn’t a character flaw — it’s a pattern that deserves compassion and skillful support.

How ACT Helps with Perfectionism

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a powerful framework for working with perfectionism. Rather than trying to eliminate perfectionistic thoughts or feelings, ACT helps people change their relationship to them.

Through ACT, clients learn to:

• Notice perfectionistic thoughts without automatically obeying them

• Practice self-compassion instead of self-judgment

• Clarify personal values and use them as a guide — rather than fear or rules

• Take meaningful action even when uncertainty, discomfort, or imperfection are present

ACT helps people build lives that are driven by what matters, not by the endless pursuit of getting everything “just right.”

How RO-DBT Supports Overcontrolled Perfectionism

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) is especially helpful for individuals whose perfectionism shows up as emotional overcontrol. This may include being highly self-disciplined, emotionally reserved, overly responsible, or rigid in thinking and behavior.

RO-DBT focuses on helping people:

• Increase flexibility and openness

• Soften harsh self-control in the areas of life in which it’s no longer serving them

• Prioritize social connection and authenticity over perfectionism

Rather than encouraging people to “try harder” in order to fight perfectionism, RO-DBT supports learning about the areas in your life in which you can work to loosen control — making room for spontaneity, vulnerability, and deeper connection.

Moving Toward a More Flexible, Compassionate Life

Healing from perfectionism doesn’t mean giving up on growth or excellence. It means learning how to pursue goals in a way that is sustainable, values-based, and kind to yourself. With the right support, it’s possible to build a life that includes ambition and rest, accountability and self-compassion, structure and flexibility.

We’re Here to Help

At Modern Anxiety Solutions, we specialize in helping individuals who struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and emotional overcontrol. Our clinicians are trained in evidence-based approaches like ACT and RO-DBT, and we work collaboratively to help clients create meaningful change without judgment or pressure.

If perfectionism is taking a toll on your well-being or relationships, you don’t have to navigate it alone. We invite you to reach out to Modern Anxiety Solutions to learn more about how therapy can support you in building a more balanced, fulfilling life.