Why You Can’t Sleep (Even When the Baby Does): A New Parent’s Guide to Insomnia

  If you’ve ever found yourself staring at the ceiling at 3:00 a.m. while your baby is (miraculously) asleep, wondering why you can’t just drift off too—please know, you’re not alone. As a therapist who specializes in insomnia, I’ve worked with with new parents who are shocked to discover that sleep doesn’t always return to normal very easily.  In fact, becoming a new parent is the number one precipitant to clinical insomnia.

If you're pregnant, you might already be getting a preview: the midnight wake-ups, the tossing and turning, the racing thoughts. Your body is preparing. But what no one tells you is that your mind may keep spinning long after the baby arrives—and that the suggestion of "sleep when the baby sleeps” doesn't always work when anxiety, overstimulation, or sheer hyper-vigilance have taken root.

Let’s talk about what’s actually going on, and how you can begin to reclaim not just sleep, but rest, even in this chaotic, beautiful, deeply exhausting season of life.

Insomnia Isn’t Just About Sleep

In pregnancy and new parenthood, insomnia often becomes more than just a physical issue—it’s deeply emotional. You’re adjusting to a new identity. You’re learning how to keep a small human alive. Your brain is literally rewiring to become more alert, more sensitive, and more in tune with every cry or kick. That hyper-alertness? It's adaptive. But it also doesn’t always have an “off” switch.

I hear versions of this all the time:

“I’m bone-tired, but I can’t fall asleep.”

“I wake up constantly, even when the baby’s not crying.”

“If I wake in the night, my brain turns on like a light switch and won’t turn back off.”

Sound familiar?

What makes this harder is that many new parents are used to being competent, focused, and productive. You may have mastered your career, your schedule, your pre-baby life. So when sleep becomes unpredictable and your brain doesn’t cooperate despite exhaustion, it can feel disorienting—even a little scary.

Let’s Untangle What Might Be Going On

There are a few common insomnia patterns that I see in new parents and parents-to-be:

Sleep anxiety: The more you worry about sleep, the harder it becomes to fall asleep. It’s like trying to fall asleep while a committee in your head lists all the reasons you need to be sleeping.

Cognitive hyperarousal: Your body may be still, but your mind is on high alert. You’re replaying the day, planning tomorrow, or scanning for baby noises.

Sleep effort: You might be trying to sleep—controlling your breathing, adjusting your position, doing mental math (“If I fall asleep now, I’ll get 4 hours…”). Ironically, this effort often backfires. Your body will sleep when it sleeps; you can't force it.  It's sort of like digestion - you can't make your body digest food any faster!

Irregular sleep windows: Between feedings, crying, and your own internal clock, sleep becomes fragmented, and your brain doesn’t know when to wind down anymore.

What Actually Helps

The good news? We don’t have to force sleep. And you don’t have to wait until your child is sleeping through the night to start healing your relationship with rest. Here are a few simple, evidence-based ideas:

1. Shift from "sleep" to "rest."

Sometimes just releasing the pressure to fall asleep opens the door to deeper rest. Lie down with the intention to rest, not to perform sleep. Let your body relax, your breath soften. If sleep comes, great. If not, you've still given yourself time to slow down and take a break.

2. Don't stay in bed wrestling with your thoughts.

If you're awake and agitated for more than a few minutes, it can help to get up and do something quiet and calming. Try going into a different room and keeping the lights dim while also trying to avoid screens.

3. Normalize your experience.

Your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do—stay alert when it perceives threat or uncertainty. The transition to parenthood is uncertain. Be kind to yourself. You’re adapting.

4. Watch the sleep pressure.

That long-awaited nap on Saturday morning or opportunity to sleep in after three nights of poor sleep? It feels amazing in the moment—but it may be setting your internal clock further off track. The longer we are awake, the more we build our body's sleep pressure, increasing our ability to sleep. We can talk about how to find balance here, even in a sleep-deprived season.

5. Name your fears.

If sleep is hard because you’re feeling afraid, whether that's of something happening to the baby, of the next day’s exhaustion, of losing your sense of self then talk about it. Talk to anyone that you feel supported by -a partner, a friend, or a therapist. Sometimes just naming the emotions can go a long way.

When you're in the thick of it, insomnia can feel like one more way you're not measuring up. But I want you to know: struggling to sleep doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It means you’re human. A human whose nervous system is stretched, whose heart is full, and whose brain hasn’t quite figured out how to exhale yet. Even in the blur of night feeds and white noise and wondering if you'll ever feel like yourself again, you're still in there. And you're doing beautifully.

If you’re feeling stuck in the cycle of sleep anxiety, nighttime overthinking, or exhaustion that doesn’t seem to lift—you don’t have to figure it out alone.  At Modern Anxiety Solutions, we specialize in helping new and expecting parents find real, research-backed relief from insomnia, anxiety, and burnout. Reach out today—we’re here to help you find your way back to rest, in whatever form that takes.